Definitely, Maybe in Love Read online

  “Try her cell again.”

  I did, but I’d been getting nothing but voicemail all day. I left another message, begging her to call.

  “We don’t know for sure they went to that beach cabin,” Mel said, sitting beside me. “The same one he took Cami to.”

  “That’s what he does, Mel,” I countered, running a fist across my forehead. “You read Henry’s letter.”

  “Yeah,” she replied, somberly. “I’m just hoping we’re wrong.”

  We weren’t wrong, and I knew it. “He got rough with Cami,” I said after a minute. “And she was fifteen. She wasn’t the only one; he’s been doing this for years, always keeping his exploits on this side of a felony. What does he do if they try to fight back?” I shut my eyes in a long blink. “He’s disgusting and deserves to be castrated!”

  “Do you know where he takes them?”

  “Not the exact location. All Henry alluded to was somewhere down by Monterey, but that’s a big place.”

  Mel and I sat for hours, sharing our worries, while going over possible scenarios and hoping Julia’s ex–Navy Seal father didn’t call the house. I tried Alex over and over too, but he never answered his phone. Shadows crept across the floor of our living room, slowly morphing the scene from afternoon to evening. Tomorrow, we decided, we would call the police.

  Eventually, Melanie’s head sank to my shoulder and we both fell asleep.

  My dreams were sporadic, because I slept without rest. The only one I remembered was right before I awoke. The picture in my head was mostly fuzzy, but there were definite fireworks, and a cowboy hat, and a face. The face was the only part of the dream that was crystal clear. When I lifted my arms out to him, there was a sudden stabbing pain in my side, but that didn’t keep me from reaching out, even though I felt the knife stabbing me again and again. Over and over.

  “Spring, wake up.”

  I peeled my eyelids apart, feeling Mel’s sharp fingernail poking my ribs. Through the dim early morning shadows, she was staring at me.

  “Julia,” she whispered then pointed at the front door.

  I threw my legs off the couch and sat up.

  She was standing by the door under the only illuminated light in the room. She wasn’t looking at us, but at whoever was lingering under the threshold, unseen behind the open door. She whispered something then an arm reached out, the front half of Dart’s body coming into view. Silently, he touched her cheek in the gentlest of ways. She tilted her face so he could cup her cheek, whispered something to him, then he left.

  After she closed the door, she stared at it, touching the wood with her fingertips. I knew she knew we were there, but she didn’t acknowledge us.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, easing to stand. My body ached from having napped in a vertical position.

  A few moments passed before Julia turned our way. She appeared unharmed, but she didn’t look fine.

  I walked to her, trying not to wince when I noticed the marks on her upper arms. Rage and sorrow spun like a tornado in my stomach. Julia must’ve caught my examination because when I met her eyes, they were brimming with tears, and her lips trembled.

  “Jules?” I opened my arms just as she broke into loud sobs. “Shhh.” I rubbed her back as she cried on my shoulder. “It’s over. You’re home.”

  She couldn’t talk for a while. I didn’t blame her; it wasn’t a story I was eager to hear. As I waited, I silently surmised that the reason Dart had been with her was because Henry must have told him why Mel and I had suddenly left his house that morning. Then Dart must have taken over and tracked them down.

  Whether Dart got there in time, I didn’t know yet. But considering how long Julia and Alex had been alone, as well as the angry red marks ringing her wrists, it did not look good. When the deeper sobbing started, I had my answer, and felt sick.

  Julia wept while I held her and listened. “I’m so sorry,” was all I was able to offer. Because I was sorry. It was me who had brought Alex into our lives and I couldn’t help feeling tremendous guilt about that.

  We went through three pots of tea but didn’t move from the couch, me on one side of Julia, Mel on the other. After a while, Julia seemed to want to tell us everything, maybe needing to get it out at least once. Terribly unhappy, more than buzzed on peppermint schnapps, she’d left with Alex. She admitted that everything got pretty fuzzy after that, but they did arrive at a cabin a couple of hours later. She’d been drunk but consensual. I said a silent prayer of thanks that nothing more than rough sex had taken place. Knowing Alex’s tendencies, it could have been worse. She did remember that a condom was used, which seemed pretty miraculous. But that was probably just Alex wanting to cover his tracks in case Julia pressed charges. Still, nothing is 100 percent foolproof. Julia would have to be tested. Mel and I promised to be with her when she took the first one.

  Julia remembered still being slick with Alex’s sweat when Dart had shown up. He’d rushed straight to her, wrapped her in the bed sheets and carried her to the car. Julia sobbed as she recalled how he’d placed her in the backseat, laid his head on her lap and begged for forgiveness. Mel and I were sobbing, too.

  “Dart’s a real hero,” I said, rubbing Julia’s shoulder.

  “Yeah,” she said, trying to smile through her wobbly bottom lip.

  “How did he know where to find you?” Mel asked, passing Julia a fresh cup of chamomile tea. “And so fast?”

  “Henry,” she whispered, her hand trembling as she took the cup.

  “Henry, what?” I asked.

  She didn’t answer.

  “He probably told Dart where the cabin was,” Mel explained logically. “He knew the location because of Cami, right?”

  Julia stared down at her cup then took a slow sip.

  “Is that what happened?” I asked. “Is that how Dart found you?”

  “That’s what I thought at first,” she confirmed. “All I saw was Dart at the cabin. He’s the one who broke through the door and got me out. When he took me to the car, we sat there for a while in the backseat. Maybe twenty minutes later, I realized the car was moving.”

  “Who was driving?”

  Julia finally looked at me. “Henry.”

  “Henry,” I repeated, my mind fuzzy. “He was there, too?”

  Julia bit her lip and nodded. “I honestly didn’t realize it was him at first. I was still a little out of it. Dart never left me for a second, and I guess I hadn’t noticed that Henry went inside the cabin after Dart got me out. Alex was still in there. When we stopped for gas an hour later, my purse and clothes were in the front seat. I noticed it then, Spring.”

  “Noticed what?”

  “Henry’s knuckles,” she whispered. “They were red and—” She broke off. “I have brothers, I know what it looks like after someone has a fight.”

  My stomach hit the floor. “They fought?”

  Julia shrugged helplessly. “I think so.”

  “Is Henry hurt? Do you know what happened?”

  Mel reached over the back of the couch behind Julia and touched my shoulder. “I’m sure Henry beat the living hell out of him, babe.”

  “Besides his knuckles,” Julia said, “he looked fine. Not a mark on him, I swear, Spring. After he dropped us off, he was heading straight to the airport.”

  “What?” I blinked, rising to my feet. “Henry dropped you off here?” I spun around to the front door, thinking that he might materialize from thin air. “Why didn’t he come in?”

  When Julia didn’t answer, Mel said, “He probably thought you were asleep.”

  “So? He could’ve woke me up.”

  “I don’t think he wanted you to know he was with us,” Julia whispered, her voice watery with new tears.

  “Why?” I stared at her, then at Mel, then at the wall behind them. No one had an answer.

  “Maybe he had to get right back to the ranch,” Mel offered. “I mean, Cami was still there and, ya know…the horses?”

  “What?” I gaped a
t her.

  Mel spread her hands. “I don’t know. I’m just talking.”

  I couldn’t help exhaling a laugh at Mel’s attempted explanation. “Well, thanks for comparing my needs to that of a horse.”

  Mel batted her eyelashes. “It was too easy, babe.”

  “Springer, I’m sorry,” Julia said, touching my arm.

  “Yeah,” I replied, feeling sullen again. Honestly, I didn’t know what she was apologizing for. For running off and making us worry? For cutting my road trip short? Or was she proxy-apologizing for Henry not coming in to see me? I met her eyes, she looked exhausted and had probably been awake for longer than back-to-back study sessions. And of course, she’d just been through an unspeakable ordeal. “You should go on to bed,” I said.

  Julia nodded, gave me a hug that I barely felt, then disappeared up the stairs.

  “You can leave, too,” I said to Mel, pressing my fingertips over my eyelids.

  “Yeah, not a chance. I’m making blueberry pancakes then we’re getting pedicures. My treat.”

  “No, thanks,” I said, trying to smile, but the fatigue of the past day’s events was weighing down my entire body. “Maybe tomorrow. I think I’ll just crash.”

  “You sure?”

  I nodded. For a few minutes, Mel argued against leaving, but I was resolute, and finally, I was alone.

  Too weary to climb two flights, I curled myself into a ball on the couch, trying very hard to fight back the thing creeping its way into my thoughts. Even if he’d assumed I was asleep, why would that stop him from coming in? From seeing me? I scowled at my phone, which was just sitting there, all void of new messages or calls. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my legs, thinking of him, missing him.

  That glorious Fourth of July, as Henry and I curled around each other, no official words were declared, no tender confessions divulged. I’d chosen instead to let my actions speak. I thought he felt, knew what I didn’t know how to say.

  But he hadn’t come inside my house. Why?

  He’d done this wonderful, magnanimous service to my little college family, and then disappeared. Not calling attention to himself, simply providing a service that only he could.

  Spring, I don’t know when I’ll see you again. Those had been his last words to me. But what did they mean?

  As I sat in the dark living room, watching shadows on the walls, it was almost too easy, too obvious to realize I was in love with him, and probably had been for a very long time. Being in love felt different than I thought it would. I wasn’t giving up a part of me or sacrificing what I thought I was in order to love him. I’d gained, I’d unfolded…evolved.

  This made me smile; in fact, I almost laughed, but my smile broke when I realized there would be no more study sessions at the library, no more vacation trips to Washington, and no more surprise run-ins at his family’s house.

  Was there anything left?

  Chapter 36

  “Dart said Henry went back home,” Julia relayed. She had most of her color back. Two solid days spent reuniting with the man she loved could do that. We were in her bedroom, she was on the floor inside her closet, reorganizing shoes.

  “Oakland?” I asked, lifting my head off her pillow.

  “First there, I think, then Montana,” she answered.

  Well, at least she hadn’t said Tahiti. But still, the fact that he could’ve been in Oakland, so close, and still no phone call, made my heart feel like it was being crushed like a Styrofoam cup.

  “So…do you know if he’s coming back to school? Classes start in two months.”

  “I don’t know,” Julia admitted. “Dart moved back into the house across the street this morning, but I don’t know about Henry. I’m not sure Dart does, either.”

  I was well acquainted with Henry’s guarded form of communicating. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t told Julia his plans while they were driving back from Monterey. In all those hours he and I were together at the ranch, I hadn’t once asked him if he was returning to Stanford. I hadn’t broached the subject of where he’d disappeared to after that last night at the library. For whatever reason, those didn’t seem important at the time. They seemed very important now.

  “Huh,” I replied breezily, trying to blow off this information. But Julia was watching me, and I was positive she could read my eyes. I laid back and covered my face with an arm.

  I don’t know when I’ll see you again. His words rang in my ears.

  “Have you called him?” she asked.

  I nodded, my throat feeling tight. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of him since last spring. He was supposed to give me his new number, but I left the ranch in such a hurry…” I forced my shoulders up into a shrug then let them drop. “So whatever. If he calls, he calls.”

  “Uh-huh.” Skepticism wrapped around Julia’s tone.

  I sat up and pushed my hair back. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided the whole thing was too sappy. Love and boyfriends and everything. So not me, right?” I forced myself to laugh in the sarcastic manner that used to get me through uncomfortable moments. This time, though, it sounded unnatural, and felt even worse.

  “I don’t care what you say, Spring. Every girl wants someone to be sweet to her.” She sat on the bed next to me. “Even cynics like you.”

  I knew she was trying to help, but her comment made my chest feel hollow and achy. A short time ago, I didn’t know how to love, but now I didn’t know how to do without love.

  “You’re fighting against your feelings, honey,” she added. “I know how exhausting that can be. So stop fighting and let it flow.”

  “Flow?” I echoed, giving her my famous flat eyes.

  She lifted a smile and walked toward the door. “Yes. Go with the flow.” Just as she was about to leave, she turned back. “Do you want to hang out with us tonight?”

  “Thanks, but I don’t think so.” Honestly, the thought of being around a happy couple was enough to make me cry.

  Julia nodded and opened the door.

  “Bunny,” I called, stopping her. “If I haven’t told you, I’m really happy Dart’s back and that you’re, you know, okay.”

  “Me too.” She folded her arms and leaned against the doorframe. “I made mistakes, but I understand everything that happened now.”

  I swallowed. “You do?”

  She nodded slowly.

  “Jules, I didn’t know how to tell you what I knew. I’m so—”

  “It wasn’t Henry’s fault,” she cut in. “Not really.” She looked to the side and exhaled. “Mistakes,” she murmured to herself. “I made some, so did Dart. We all do. But now, it’s almost like we’re better than before because of it.” She gazed off for a moment. “Every second we’re together, I appreciate him more and more. All that time apart, all that wasted time. I’ll never be shy about my feelings again. Life’s too short, too precious not to love whenever we can.” She bit her lip, blinking back tears. “I learned that the hard way.”

  “Yeah,” I managed to choke out, and then watched her leave the room.

  Later that evening, I sat alone on my bed. The sun had set hours ago, but I hadn’t moved from my room since Julia left. Downstairs, Anabel was hosting an intimate party for twenty. I bowed out with the excuse about needing to write my congressman.

  My room was dim and cool, the only light coming from the streetlamp outside my open window as sounds from the sidewalks below drifted up. The moon was high and Stanford’s summer populace was alive and ripe.

  My fingers clasped behind my head and I stared up at the ceiling. Thinking. Trying not to think. The night grew darker as evening progressed. When I rolled over, my gaze moved naturally to the open window. Just knowing his house, his empty bedroom, was across the street crushed my Styrofoam heart anew. I quadruple-checked the ringer on my phone. Never before had I experienced such a lack of control over my thoughts.

  Spring, I don’t know when I’ll see you again.

  The intellectual part
of me had no desire to keep mulling over the possible meaning of Henry’s last statement, so I forced it out. But with no other occupation, my thoughts did wander around the memory of the sound of his laugh…how we’d laughed together, how I admired his mind, loved his music, how he’d kissed my braid—one of the sweet ways he showed his acceptance and respect. The way he pushed my buttons just to make me laugh at my own reaction. How he dealt with me and handled me and let me go it alone, yet never took my crap.

  The way he truly was so very good.

  With my eyes closed, I imagined us in some future setting…whispering in the dark, sharing a pillow, asking how the other slept.

  I drifted to the window and knelt down, resting my elbows and chin on the sill. The cool night air felt nice. “He’ll be back,” I whispered. “I know he’ll be back.” Just saying the words aloud made me feel slightly better, as if my faith in us was enough. He’d had faith in us for all those months, and now it was my turn.

  I listened to the happy hums of the world below. As the breeze picked up and knocked the blinds against the side of the window, I opened my eyes, their gaze idly drifting across the street.

  What they landed on made my blood stop cold. I blinked, sharpening my focus.

  Parked crooked in his driveway was…

  My Subaru.

  I sprung out the third-story window, sliding down the ladder as fast as I could.

  Twelve more steps, I counted, my fingers gripping around the rope handle. Eight more. My heart pounded behind my ears. In my haste, I did notice that no lights were on in his house, not even the bedroom on the second floor where he might be. I’ll be there three seconds sooner if I jump…

  “Don’t!”

  From directly below, I heard the warning shout, but it was abruptly cut short as I plummeted toward the ground. We collided mid-air, tumbling onto the lawn in a heap. Mine would’ve been a perfect ten-point landing had the intruder’s body not been blocking my way. Instead, I lay on my side, dazed and spitting out grass.

  “Whoever you are,” I wheezed once my body regained its equilibrium, “I don’t have time to explain the theory of private property or breaking and entering.”