Never an Amish Bride Read online

  Why had Gott allowed this? If He loved her and wanted to bless her, why had He put Lucas Brenneman in her path?

  After two years of suffering, she hadn’t meant to have feelings for anyone, and she was sure that hadn’t been Lucas’s plan, either. She wrapped her arms tightly around her middle, trying to keep from crumbling.

  When the sun came out from the clouds, she noticed it was arching closer to the horizon. How long had she been tucked away inside the orchard?

  Struggling from tired muscles, she made her way to her feet, feeling shaky, light-headed, and worn out, taking one step at a time toward home. Her dress was damp, but her cheeks were dry. She’d run out of reasons to cry hours ago.

  She needed the warmth and strength of Maam’s arms. When she’d been a little girl, Maam always made the badness go away with one of her hugs or a freshly baked pumpkin whoopee pie. Esther’s stomach heaved at the thought of food and also at the thought of letting Maam see her in this condition.

  Still struggling to move forward, Esther realized what she really wanted was to be alone. To crawl into bed, pull the covers over her head, and stay there for a week—no family, no friends, no duties. Maybe after that, she could face the world again.

  “Es! There you are.”

  Esther actually groaned when she saw Sarah walking toward her, holding up her long skirt.

  “What are you doing out here?” Sarah gave her a visual once-over. “You’re drenched.”

  “Jah.” Esther sniffed.

  “I looked everywhere for you. Maam said you were at Lizzy Brenneman’s, but Lizzy said you’d come home.”

  “Jah,” she repeated, nodding, trying to keep her eyes fixed on the muddy ground.

  “Do you think we should take in my dress one more time?” She put her hands on her hips, as if checking her waist size. “The wedding’s in less than two weeks.”

  “If you want.” Esther sniffed again, wishing it would start to rain so her sister would go away.

  “Hey, are you all right?” Sarah came up beside her. “Your eyes are red. Do you have a fever?” She placed a hand over Esther’s forehead. “You don’t feel hot.” She dropped her hand and glanced around. “Es, are you out here for a reason? It’s getting cold. Come home.”

  “No,” Esther said stubbornly, her body going tense.

  “What’s the matter?” Sarah linked an arm through hers. “Come inside, and you can finish sewing the inner pocket of my dress.”

  It didn’t matter that she was cold and shivering, Esther couldn’t stand being touched by anyone. “Sarah, can I please have one whole day to not think about your wedding—or any wedding?”

  “Why?”

  She wanted to laugh. “Because you might not have noticed, but being so deeply involved in yours—making your dress, planning the meals—has been exceptionally difficult for me.”

  Sarah’s lips formed an O, as if she was about to ask why.

  “Sister, I know you’re not purposefully trying to make me miserable, but could you take one minute and think how this might be affecting me?”

  “Affecting you?” she echoed, blinking rapidly. Esther was not about to help her along, but stood there watching her sister’s eyes run back and forth.

  “Jacob?” There was clear hesitance in Sarah’s voice.

  Something about hearing the name again made Esther want to cry. “Yes.”

  “Oh. I’m… I haven’t thought about that—or him—in a really long time. Do you miss him?”

  “Of course.”

  Sarah cracked her thumb knuckle, then began wringing her hands. “Do you still love him?”

  Esther couldn’t reply right away. There was no right answer. “No,” she finally said. “But I feel like I should, because when I even imagine a happy life without him, I feel guilty. And now when I actually do want to move on, the guilt is worse.”

  “You have a beau,” Sarah stated, then held up a hand. “I know it’s not Levi. I was teasing you that day.”

  “I don’t have a beau,” Esther replied honestly, wrapping her arms around her body to stop the shivering, absolutely not picturing Luke’s face.

  “But you like someone. You want to move on.”

  Esther sank to the earth, feeling the mud soak into the back of her dress. It shocked her when Sarah joined her on the wet ground. “You don’t have to stay out here.”

  “I know,” Sarah said, her voice light. “I just…feel bad.”

  Esther couldn’t help peering at her through her eyelashes. “It’s about time.”

  “Sorry. I can see why it’d be hard for you.” She lifted her shoulders and let them drop. “Thank you for all you’ve done. I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with.”

  Esther laughed, then gave her sister’s arm a nudge. “You’re welcome. At least it’s almost over, right?”

  Sarah took in a deep breath, then blew it out through rounded lips. “The days are flying by so fast. I can’t believe it’s almost time.” She rubbed her lips together. “I really love him. I know it’s silly because I’ve known Amos my whole life, but it’s different now when we’re together. I know he’d do anything for me, even the most difficult, painful task.”

  Like facing his father, Esther thought, causing her chest to heave. That’s something Lucas can’t do. Not for himself—and definitely not for me.

  “About Jacob,” Sarah continued, making Esther sit up straight.

  “What about him?”

  Sarah ran a knuckle under her chin. “A long time ago, I remember you saying you were struggling to understand his death. You didn’t know why Gott took him so soon.”

  “Jah.” Esther nodded, though not sure what her sister was getting at.

  “You and I were alone by the fire one night, and you asked me flat out why he’d died so young. The day before, I’d heard Maam tell you it was Gott’s will, so that’s what I said, too. Golly, you about took my head off, you were so upset.”

  “I remember that,” Esther said, smiling despite herself. “And I’m sorry. I was weary of hearing that explanation.”

  “No, I see why you were angry, but I was just thinking.” Sarah drew her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “What if that really was the dear Lord’s plan for you like everyone’s been saying? What if He needed Jacob with Him, and He has a wonderful and exciting new plan for you, a life that’s more blessed and perfect and full of love than you could ever fathom?”

  For a moment, Esther sat very still; then sudden tears blurred her vision, and she pressed both hands over her mouth.

  “Did I say something wrong?” Sarah asked quietly, scooting so she could put an arm around Esther’s shoulders.

  Esther could only shake her head, then nodded. “That was maybe the most-right thing you’ve ever said to me.” She covered her mouth again but was unable to keep the sobs at bay.

  With her whole heart, she believed her sister’s words. She believed in a Gott who loved her so much that He wouldn’t make her mourn for a man to whom she was no longer tied.

  After two years of questions and guilt—and while sitting on the wet grass after a rainstorm, still nursing a broken heart—Esther was finally able to let Jacob go.

  A fresh fit of sobs shook her body, releasing her.

  “It’s okay,” Sarah said, holding her tightly. “I’ll stay with you as long as you want.”

  …

  Esther didn’t join in on the family Bible study that evening but stayed in her room, knowing Sarah would make any necessary excuses. Not even Maam came in to see her. Sarah must’ve warned even the kinnahs to stay away.

  All that night, her dreams were etched with volcanoes erupting, forest fires, earthquakes, every natural disaster Esther had ever read about. Her slumber was unrestful and fitful and exhausting. When she awoke to the rooster’s crow, her pillow was
damp.

  “Esther!” It was little Abraham’s voice, followed by sounds of rushing footsteps running up the stairs. “Esther! Wake up!”

  Slowly and cautiously—so she wouldn’t vomit—Esther pushed herself into a seated position. “I’m awake, buddy. Come in.”

  “Cousin Leah called on the phone in the barn. She told Papa to tell you that she needs more…um…smoke!”

  Esther tilted her head. “Do you mean soap?”

  Abraham scratched his ear. “Yes, soap. The kind you make in the kitchen.”

  Esther chuckled. “Okay. Thanks for relaying the message. You did a good job.”

  Her little brother grinned and stood up straight. “I can call her back on the phone, if you want. Simon showed me how on his phone at his house. It’s easy.”

  “No, no.” Esther threw her legs off the bed and stood. “That’s okay. You did great. Thanks again.”

  In a noisy, boyish flash, Abraham flew down the stairs.

  Goodness, Leah was out of soap again? Esther had delivered a huge batch to her just a few days ago. After checking the time, she figured she could quickly get another batch ready to process, then deliver to Leah everything she had on the shelf of her nook.

  Foolishly, she’d expected letting go of Jacob would help fill her empty heart. But as she moved to get dressed, she felt more hollow than ever.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Lucas couldn’t seem to keep his head in the game. After a restless night’s sleep, he’d gotten up earlier than most dairy farmers, went for a run, then worked on fixing his front fence by the light of the rising sun. The thought of breakfast made his stomach turn, so all he had was water and a cold piece of leftover hamburger before heading out the door.

  After leaving three messages, Greg finally called him back. Still no results from Tanner’s bone marrow test. Lucas knew answers took time, but that morning, he couldn’t control his impatience and irritability.

  No doubt as to why his mood was so sour. He’d tried to appear undaunted and unflappable when he’d last been with Esther, telling her their relationship was over, but his heart was having a hard time accepting it.

  Never a man to stew, he thought staying busy at work would keep him occupied, but his mind kept drifting. If he’d somehow known that first day at the clinic how much his life would change because of her, would he have done things differently?

  “Nay,” he said aloud as he saved the notes he’d just entered into a patient’s file. Despite his own stubbornness, Esther’s sweet countenance and example had brought him to Gott again.

  After closing the file, he clicked to his email, opening a message that had come from a colleague in Boston. Lucas sat back as he read, fingering the end of a pencil. There was a job on the research team at Mass General. The money was good, the hospital was renowned, and they wanted him ASAP. Lucas sat forward in his chair.

  When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window…

  The old saying repeated on a loop. Was this an opportunity to start a new life? Or was this Gott’s way of kicking him out of the Amish world for good?

  Or just maybe, Gott is testing my desire to return to the church.

  “I’m going across the street,” he said to Stephanie as he blew by the reception desk. “Want anything from Yoder’s?”

  “Ooh.” Stephanie sat up straight. “A soft pretzel, please.”

  Lucas nodded but then stopped, his hand on the door. “Marinara dipping sauce?”

  “Yes, thank you!”

  He nodded again, then headed outside. It was a windy afternoon, and maybe even a late autumn break for nearby schools, because the store was packed with shoppers. Lucas didn’t know why he was there. He didn’t want a pretzel or a piece of pie or even a slice of freshly baked bread. He’d simply needed to get out of the office and out of his head.

  Stopping before he marched straight to the display of handmade soap, he steered himself into the far corner. Quilts and knitted rugs were hung from hooks on the walls or stacked in neat rows on a long table, making it easy to see their unique patterns.

  His eye caught a familiar thin “log cabin” diagram. A dark blue tag was pinned to its side. Lucas’s heart leaped into his throat when he recognized the handwriting.

  Made with love by Lydia Brenneman.

  He pressed the tag between the palms of his hands, then traced an index finger over the script, wondering how long ago his mother had written it. His childhood memories were filled with his sweet maam holding an unfinished quilt on her lap, needle and thread in one hand, silver thimble on each thumb.

  He pulled the blanket off the hook and held it in his arms, dipping his face into its softness. His throat grew tight when he sensed the faint scent of honeysuckle. A million images flashed through his mind, each one making him long for home like never before. Just when he couldn’t take another second of it, a commotion at the other side of the store stole his attention.

  His heart stopped dead, then went into a straight gallop when he saw Esther. She was carrying two big boxes and was literally surrounded by women—mostly Englisher shoppers. When he realized she hadn’t seen him, he stayed out of sight.

  “All right, ladies. Let’s remain calm.” He recognized the short, round Amish woman who flew over to Esther’s aid. “How many do you have?”

  “Twenty lavender,” he heard Esther reply. “Twenty-five wildflower, fifteen clove—”

  “Only fifteen?” the short woman said, clearly disappointed.

  “I’ll take them all!” one of the Englishers shouted.

  “I got here first,” said another.

  “No, I did!” This English woman actually tried to tear one of the boxes out of Esther’s arms.

  Alarm bells went off in Lucas’s head. Was Esther about to be trampled by a mob of soap enthusiasts? Before he could make a move, the short woman pulled Esther behind the barrier of the counter.

  “Ladies, ladies, we’re currently building a website and will begin taking online orders in the next few days. In the meantime, please leave your name and address on our mail-order form, and the products will be shipped as soon as possible.” She turned to Esther. “Which will be very soon, jah?”

  Lucas watched as Esther bit her lip, as if wondering what the right answer should be, then nodded. “I started a new batch just this morning, and—”

  “Which scent?” a woman interrupted.

  “Lemon.”

  Oddly, the woman frowned. “Just plain lemon?”

  Everyone turned to look at Esther. “Well…” She rubbed her nose. “I could add eucalyptus oil—”

  “That sounds fabulous!” The Englisher elbowed herself to the front of the line and stood in front of Esther. “Have you ever thought of cedar or sandalwood? Gardenia! Something strong and perfumy.”

  “Well,” Esther began, “those aren’t fragrances I normally use.”

  “Why?”

  Even from his hidden corner, Lucas could feel the weight of all the eyes on Esther.

  “Because, you see, in the Ordnung… I mean, the Amish aren’t supposed to—”

  “Don’t worry. New, stronger scents will be coming soon,” the short woman behind the counter cut in. “For now, please see our list on the order form.” She turned to Esther, prompting her to set the boxes on the counter. “If you could form an orderly line, everyone will leave with Moses Miller’s Esther’s famous Honey Brook soap.”

  Like a whirlwind, Lucas watched the mob of women file into a queue that reached the door. Esther’s blue eyes lit up, staring at the line of people wanting her product, maybe even counting each person, hoping she had brought enough.

  How could he not feel happy for her? More than anything, he hoped she’d have a fulfilling life. A lot of people found happiness in business. Perhaps this was Gott’s plan for her. He felt a lump in his throat, wishing he
could’ve been part of that plan.

  But he was done wishing.

  After making sure he’d be blocked from Esther’s view, Lucas found an open cashier at the other end of the counter. Not forgetting the pretzel for Stephanie, he left the store with it and his mother’s quilt.

  The fresh air felt good in his lungs as he stood outside the door and breathed in, facing the wind.

  “Lucas?”

  The tentative voice was quiet and held back, but he knew it in an instant.

  “Hey,” he said, turning to see Esther, grateful for the heavy quilt he was carrying. Grateful he had an excuse not to hug her or touch a finger to her cheek.

  “Congratulations,” he said. “I saw what happened in there. I think you actually are famous. Or at least very popular.”

  “Ain’t so?” she said, lifting a broad kind of smile he’d never seen before.

  He smiled back, but it was painful. “You’re going to be busy from now on.”

  “I’m busting with ideas for new fragrances—stronger ones, and blends, so many blends. I’ve always been careful with how much oil I use in them. Why was that?”

  He tilted his head to the side. “Because you decided not to, remember? Because you decided to be obedient and not fall to the pressures of the world. You know only that will bring true happiness. That’s what you told me.”

  Deep lines striped Esther’s forehead, and her brows pulled together. “That was before I knew…” She nodded toward the store.

  “How successful you could be?”

  She nodded, but Lucas caught the muscle in her jaw twitch. “Is that a sin?” She crossed her arms. “Before, I thought my heart was in the right place. I tried to do everything Gott wanted of me. I tried to live on His path, march joyously toward the future, and look what happened.”

  He’d never seen her like this, disappointment laced with stubborn determination in her voice. It was more heartbreaking than the day she’d told him she didn’t know if she believed in the church anymore.